she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
