can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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