You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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