NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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