I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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