Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
