He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
