all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize