can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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