shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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