I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
