sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
