I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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