i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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