This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
