community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
