Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
