that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
