I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
