just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
