Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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