oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
