Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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