Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
