it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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