I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
