My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
