I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
