Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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