i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
