Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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