I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
