I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
