why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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