I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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