There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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