I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
