paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
