The maid of honor just puked.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
