You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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