Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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