thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
