i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
