i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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