I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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