are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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