He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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