Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Text me some of your sweat
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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