i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
