Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
