Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
