So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
