Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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