I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
