Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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