If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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