Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
