I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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