My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize