Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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