I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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