Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
